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Fleeting moment.

I would like to allow you to take a glimpse into my life, into my most honest and vulnerable state, to show you a moment I would never think to share in any other occasion. For me, today is special, because today my life was changed. Not by an intricate plan of a supreme being or by the so called fate, but by one of the smallest yet fundamental forces of the universe. 

It started unexpectedly, in a manner that I could have never predicted even if you forced me to do so for the entirety of my life span. Everything was banal, as one would say, a life`s itinerary, with no hint of intricacy to it, no sharp turn, just a swift stream forced on its path by countless unmovable mountains. 

As I was partly dormant under the endless stream of burning water, my worries, my day`s work, my plans, everything, faded away. I escaped, every day, under this constant bombardment of magic, escaping the struggle of life and reality. This was bliss. It was my true moment with myself, my most vulnerable state. I could search for it, but I was awakened, for these few moments, into an eternal being I could never reach otherwise. I searched, but there was no hatred to be found within myself but, no kindness as well. I have, if I could say so, transcended into something more, something I cannot explain with words. This was bliss. 

It was in this moment that my life changed, in a way I could never have expected it to. As you would see in small mountain rivers, where a small collapsed tree could change its path fundamentally, without hope of returning back on its original course. So was this moment, so unexpected and crucial, so raw and unmovable you could say, after all, that it was fate. 

The water drippling from my hair, I could feel it make its course downward on my face, so gentle, like a caress from your dearest in a summer day. It was then, when the world was swept from under my feet by this unforeseen force, quite literally. It was then. The moment. The change. The second that changed my life.

I saw everything. Kind and unkind, gentle and raw, good and evil. Those countless hours spent on searching for meaning on porn websites, the endless mistakes I made by not closing the door while doing so, only for it to end abruptly in an unforeseen manner. The sorrow and emptiness I felt afterwards, questioning the reason for my existence. I saw everything. Again and again, in what felt like an eternity only to realize, soon after, that it was a mere second. A blink of an eye. 

Everything was resumed to that, my life, my struggles, the constant effort I put in it every day. It was all just that. A passing moment in the stream of eternity. 

How could I trust this moment again? How could I allow myself to transcend into this ephemeral being again, knowing, that all could end again in one moment? 

I raised my head, and stood again on my own two feet, broken. 

I looked around to the place I always trusted, the place I allowed myself to be free from the world, the place I allowed myself to escape to, betrayed. I could never look at it with the same eyes as I did before. Even now, as I escaped from its embrace, I am left with a gap within myself which I could never fill, a bitter taste I never felt before
 
It was the moment that changed my life. 

So, I fell in the shower today.

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